What To Do And Not To Do In The Restroom

Who Will Save Us?

I bought some cereal today. It was good. Flipping through a porno mag I realized that we are seriously fucked at both ends. Unlike like the lady, we aren't being pleasured at all. Give us Americans a handjob Bush. We'll appreciate it.

She's A Smart One

Woman jogs
Woman hears animal in distress
Woman goes into the forest to help it
Woman falls down and sprangs her leg
Woman is now the animal in distress
Real animal in distress was a hungry bear
Woman eats berries and rainwater
Woman regrets trying to help animal
Woman starts a book club with fellow critters
Woman is rescued days later

Story Below:

Bonnie Graham told police she had been taking a walk on one of the paths that
runs through the wooded area between Witham Hill Drive and Harrison Boulevard
and was sitting on a bench in the dark when she heard a sound that she believed
to be an animal.

According to Officer Jim Zessin, Graham became
frightened and took off running into the woods. After a time, she twisted her
ankle and began crawling.

Ok I gotta pause for a minute here. You hear a sound coming from somewhere and you run into the woods for safety? Sounds like a making of good horror movie.

She eventually found her way into a tangle of
blackberries, where she stayed until Friday afternoon, when her cries for help
were heard by 19-year-old Trevor Heald.

Graham believed she had been in
the woods for three or four days, but according to police, Graham’s boyfriend
said he last saw her last Saturday. Police received a missing person report from
Graham’s boyfriend Friday morning.

Police estimate Graham is in her late
40s or early 50s, but could not confirm her age.

Officers were
astonished that Graham had made her way so far from any trail. She was found a
ways from any established bike or truck trail.

“I crawled 50 to 60 yards
on my hands and knees,” through a thicket of blackberries to get to Graham,
Zessin said.

Heald said he first heard Graham’s cries for help while he
was hiking, and following the sound of her voice, he established where she was
stuck, but couldn’t see her.

He didn’t have a cell phone, so he hurried
back home and called police to report that someone was injured in the brush.

Heald met Zessin back at the property, and led him to where he believed
Graham was.

“He did a great job,” Zessin said.

When Zessin
called out to Graham, her voice was so weak it sounded like a child’s. Zessin
was able to crawl through the blackberries to reach her.

“He valiantly
plowed through this tiny pathway,” Heald said as he pointed to a small tunnel in
the blackberries.

Police, paramedics and firefighters were called in to
extricate Graham from the brush. Because she was so far from any path, the
police and firefighters who first reached her had to place shirts, water bottles
and other indicators along the trail to lead the way.

It took saws, axes
and a lot of stomping to clear a path big enough to carry Graham through on a
backboard. As they waited for the path to be cleared, paramedics administered
fluids and pain medication, and Zessin and others kept her talking and made sure
she was alert.

“It was just a miracle that young fellow was hiking up
here to hear her,” said officer Steven Teeter, who helped lead firefighters to
Graham’s location, and who said there had been unconfirmed cougar sightings in
the area recently.

“That was my biggest fear, there were cougars. That’s
why we weren’t leaving until we found something or somebody.”

“I don’t
know how she got in there,” officer Avena Glock said.

She looked at the
hole where other officers had climbed through, evidenced by the bloody scratches
on Sgt. Michael Mann’s arms.

“It’s like Alice in Wonderland, crawling
through there,” Glock said.

When the path was finally cleared, and
paramedics were able to load Graham and carry her toward an ambulance parked
near the OSU poultry barns on Harrison Boulevard, everyone appeared relieved.

“Good job, Jim,” office Kyle Voll said to Zessin, who was also covered
in scratches, and, he feared, poison oak. Zessin said he could remember the last
time he’d been on a similar rescue mission.

“In the Marine Corps,” he
said dryly.

Bin Laden: The New Tomb Raider

I just heard that Bin Laden may be dead. It could be another publicty stunt for his latest movie/move. After such failed attempts at ruining the hate for him in the eyes of many, he still feels the need to come back or not. I can only confirm this though, he's still an asshole.

Holy Shit, Zelda Dances

Yeah, dancing always kills monsters on the games I play. Even though this is the dumbest thing I've seen today, I can't stop watching it.

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida Baby

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Wait wait wait, after such a great year we are all having I found another use for the Constitution.

A Squirrel's Attempted Murder of an Opera Singer

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Here's the story.

- A squirrel scampered into the bicycle wheel of an unlucky Finnish opera singer, causing him to fall, knock himself out and break his nose just ahead of the world premiere of a new opera.

Esa Ruuttunen was pedalling his way to the Helsinki Opera House last month when the squirrel ran into his spokes.

The singer ended up concussed and in a local hospital, rather than at his rehearsals for the Finnish opera Kaarmeen hetki (Hour of the Serpent), which opens on September 15.

"He is not yet singing in rehearsals, but thinks he will be able to perform at the world premiere," Finnish National Opera spokeswoman Heidi Almi told Reuters.

The squirrel died in the accident.

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Rest in Peace little buddy. We'll miss ya.