Call Me Christmas

Out of all the last names to have. Why Christmas? And why name one of them Mary? Here's the story.

GAINESVILLE, Ga. - Don't bother making jokes. This family has heard them all. No, they don't communicate directly with Santa Claus. They don't celebrate the holidays year-round, and they certainly have some not-so-cheerful days. The smirks and the wisecracks are just part of life when your last name is Christmas, and especially so when two of your family members are named — no joke — Mary.

"People ask me all the time, `What were your parents thinking?'" said the younger Mary Christmas, 30. "I never minded. It's a conversation piece."

It all started on Christmas Day 1935, when the elder Mary wedded Henry Christmas, becoming Mary Christmas. They had Bob Christmas, who married Peggy and had six children.

Mary was born first and named for her grandmother. The spirit of the season took hold again when Christy Noel, now 23, was born in December.

And it doesn't end there. Bob's brother married Cathy Holiday, and they had a daughter named Carol. And Bob's sister married into the White family, becoming Jeane Christmas White.

The Christmas family lives up to its cheerful name. They are a lively bunch, finishing each other's sentences and laughing at a constant stream of jokes.

"You can tell we're a happy family," said the elder Mary Christmas, who is 90.

So what is Christmas like at the Christmases'?

Christmas Eve involves a family dinner, a church service, the reading of the Christmas story from the Bible and then one gift per family member. The children — ranging in age from 12 to 30 — build forts in the living room out of blankets and furniture and fall asleep watching Christmas movies. Christmas Day includes a big family brunch with biscuits and gravy, and a Christmas dinner.

The Christmas children agree that the only time their last name gets old is roll call at school. Many of them roll their eyes and groan at the thought.

"The first day of the semester in college, I was like, `Here we go,'" said the younger Mary, who graduated from Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., where one of her professors made her stand up in front of a large lecture hall full of students when he saw her name on the class list.

Peggy said the name keeps her on her toes.

"When you're out shopping and things, you make sure you're not grumpy or rude to someone who's helping you because in the end when you go to pay, they see your name is Christmas," she said.

They also embrace their holiday heritage. The younger Mary's e-mail address begins with "jinglebells."

(In truth, the younger Mary goes by the name T.C., from her middle name, Theresa. And when she was a little girl, her mother sent her off to kindergarten as Theresa, for fear the other kids would tease her. But it doesn't take long for others to find out her jolly first name.)

Despite the lighthearted way the Christmases talk about their name, they take it very seriously, too.

"It would be my goal that our lives as a family exemplify not just the birth of Christ, but the life of Christ," said Robby, 28.

With that, he was met with a chorus of amens from the rest of the Christmases.

Merry Christmas

I know it's been hard since he went away. You sit at home looking out the window hoping he'd come back someday. But he won't. Not this Christmas and not the next. You'll never see him again because he died while trying to save all of us. But know that always when you think your without, know that you are always within the heart of somebody that still cares. Merry Christmas and try not to hold a grudge against the people he was fighting. They are wondering the same thing. And a little boy is mourning the death of a father just like you, or a mother or even their entire family. For them, they have nobody else. They'll grow up just like you and have hatred for a complete stranger just like you. You won't know each other but you will hate each others guts. And the cycle will continue until the end of time.

Perhaps the story was that your father was fighting the other child's father and somehow they both got killed. The siblings of each family swore revenge on the people responsible. You both grew up with hate and made your life into this giant ball of evil. You decide to go overseas to fight in the name of your father. The other child trains to be a suicide bomber. Somehow in 1 in a million chance, you both meet unknowingly overseas on the same ground your fathers died many years ago. You hate this person and that person hates you but neither of you have done any wrong until you reach for your gun and he reaches for his switch to set off the suicide bomb. You both have nothing to live for so dying would be the easy way to escape the pain. But somehow fate intervened and the gun will not shoot and the bomb will not explode. Coincidence? Maybe, or could be both fathers not wanting the same fate for their own children. Merry Christmas little Bobby Jo and Saalam.

I Heart "Heart Attack Grill"

TEMPE, Ariz. - The Heart Attack Grill — a theme restaurant whose specialties include the Quadruple Bypass Burger and Flatliner Fries, cooked in pure lard — is making health-care professionals' blood pressure rise, and not because of the menu.

It is because of the waitresses' naughty nurse uniforms.

The waitresses wear skimpy, cleavage-baring outfits, high heels and thigh-high stockings — a male fantasy that some nursing organizations say is an insult to the profession.

Several nurses have complained to the Arizona attorney general's office, and a national nursing group has repeatedly asked Heart Attack Grill owner Jon Basso to stop using the outfits.

"Nurses are the most sexually fantasized-about profession," said Sandy Summers, executive director of the Center for Nursing Advocacy, based in Baltimore. "We're asking people, if they're going to have these fantasies, please don't make it so public. Move these sexual fantasies to other professions."

Basso shrugs off Summers' complaints, and refers to her and her supporters as prudes, cranks and lunatics.

"If anything, I think it glorifies nurses to be thought of as a physically attractive and desirable individual," Basso said. "There's a Faye Dunaway, Florence Nightingale hipness to it. Nobody wants to think of themselves as some old battle ax who changes bedpans for a living."

The most serious complaint Basso has faced was made to the Arizona attorney general's office by the state Board of Nursing. In September, the attorney general's office wrote Basso a letter informing him that he is illegally using the word "nurse" at his restaurant and on his Web site. Citing Arizona Statute A.R.S. 32-1636, the attorney general said only someone who has a valid nursing license can use the title "nurse."

Basso refused to remove "nurse" from his Web site but inserted an asterisk next to every nurse reference and included the following disclaimer:

"The use of the word `nurse' above is only intended as a parody. None of the women pictured on our Web site actually have any medical training, nor do they attempt to provide any real medical services. It should be made clear that the Heart Attack Grill and its employees do NOT offer any therapeutic treatments (aside from laughter) whatsoever."

The attorney general's office sent a follow-up letter on Nov. 22 saying the Web site cleared up the issue, and it was resolved.

Basso said the complaints have been good for business, "all they've done is ensure there's going to be a gajillion of these all over the country."

The Heart Attack Grill opened a year ago with a Hooters-like formula of red meat and sexy waitresses. Diners choose from among four cheeseburgers: the Single, Double, Triple and Quadruple Bypass. The Quadruple is a towering monstrosity with four half-pound beef patties, four pieces of cheese and a mound of bacon.

"Essentially, it's nutritional pornography. It's so bad for you it's shocking," Basso said.

If "patients," as customers are called, finish a triple or quadruple bypass, waitresses will push them out to their cars in wheelchairs at no additional charge.

"The service is fantastic," Steve Koebensky of Scottsdale said with a snicker. "But they're overly dressed."

Phoenix resident Amanda Price, one of the few women customers at the restaurant, said the outfits did not offend her. "You don't hear nuns complaining about pregnant nun costumes, and that's more disgraceful than sexy nurses," she said.

But Scottsdale nurse Kira Wilder, who contributed to the letter-writing campaign against the Heart Attack Grill, complained: "Why do they have to denigrate the nursing profession and sexualize nursing? It's just not necessary."

Courtney Chapman, a 20-year-old waitress at the grill, said she found nothing wrong with the uniform or the stares she gets.

"They definitely look at us, but they're guys," she said. "If our butts are coming out the bottom of our skirts, and our boobs are coming out the top of our shirts, we're kind of asking for it."

I Vote Yay For Smack

With drugs all around for kids to get, you kind of wonder what you can do as a parent to stop it. I have the answer. There is no answer. Drugs will forever be here so you might as well stop sheltering your kid and let him/her grow and see the harsh reality themselves instead of you telling them about it.

A Lady Farts And Forces A Plane Down - True Story

NASHVILLE, Tenn. - It is considered polite to light a match after passing gas. Not while on a plane.

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up."

The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

Chicks fart flowers and fresh spring air. Not this chick. I couldn't show my face again. She blamed it on a medical condition, HA HA HA HA! Now that's classic.

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